I’m not exactly sure when it all started…I was 17ish…I was a horribly miserable person.
I hated life…
I hated myself…
I hated God (to a point)…
Believing lies about myself, about God, and about my family…in all I wanted to disappear, wanted a way out from the horrible, miserable mess that I was in.
I thought about killing myself on multiple occasions because if you’re dead all your problems are solved right? WRONG!
I thought about jumping the train to run away from home, not because my family was so horrible, far from it! But because I “thought” I couldn’t take life anymore, and if I hopped the train and ran away, I could run away from all my troubles.
There was one big problem though, it is illegal to hop the trains (yeah I looked it up back when I was considering it), if I got caught I’d be in trouble with the law…and since I really, really, really, really liked all things fire/police/ems…well I wanted to remain “friends” with them!
I use to talk non-stop (true story…just ask my family! 🙂 ), about anything to do with the emergency services, to a point that looking back I can say that I had to be terribly annoying! Lol! Around the age of 17 I also decided that I wanted to go into EMS and be an EMT…but it was for all the wrong reasons…the glory of it all and how it would make me look good…that’s just embarrassing!
Over the course of several years I prayed about it to see if that was God’s will for me…funny how I could practically almost not believe in God but I remained firm that if this wasn’t where God wanted me then I would not go into EMS. I wanted God’s blessing on it…yet, I still wasn’t sure if I really believed in God.
I believe that God planted in my heart the desire to go into EMS, and with that desire He grew me in so so so many ways and continues to do so. But with that desire He gave me, He used it to save my life.
As much as I hated life and wanted to kill myself, there was one thing that kept coming back to me…I really wanted to be an EMT, and as we all know, dead people just really don’t make good EMTs. 😛
So even though my motives were wrong at the time, God used it to save my life..and then! Fall of 2011 I said, “Okay God…I’m tired with all this junk that I have acquired, I’m not saying I believe in You, but I’ll at least start on the path that leads back to You.”
January 2012 I surrendered my life back to Christ and really owned my faith as my very own! Can I just tell you…OH. MY. GOODNESS! It’s a very amazing thing to go about your day and think of something besides hate, lies and death! You have such a better outlook on life (imagine that). The peace and joy that I had was such a HUGE contrast to way I had previously been.
As God changed my heart towards Him, He also changed my heart for EMS. I will be the first one to tell you that the lights, siren and excitement of it all is amazing! But that’s not my reason for wanting to be in EMS, my core reason is because I love people and want to be a blessing to them, I want God to be able to love them through me! Building on that foundation I have a huge passion for EMS! 🙂
Days turned into months, and months into years as I waited for an answer from God…I still wanted His blessing on it.
The reason? EMS is not an easy field, you experience things that can really affect you in a negative way if not dealt with. I knew there would be the happy times, the sad times, and the times that make me want to quit…I believe God is with us where ever we go, but when we walk in His perfect will for us that there is an added blessing. I want to be so in the center of God’s will that when those times come, I don’t doubt myself if I choose the right path…I can know in my knower that I am right where I’m supposed to be and God will help me through whatever I am facing.
Two years after I had first asked God about EMS, I attended a conference for people in the medical field. (you may recall a post I did about this conference last year.)
Through the seminars I sat in on and then talking to my parents when I came home…God showed me EMS was a yes!!!
I…was elated! And had an amazing peace!
But I still had a lot more waiting to do! Waiting is SO hard…but SO SO SO worth it!
Next was “When do I start classes?”
Again, I could rush out and find every class in the state, pick one and go with it. But for me, I wanted to wait on God’s timing.
Last year during elections, us four older girls and Mommy helped out at the polls. It makes for a really long tiring day but a fun one as well! 🙂 Mommy was helping out at our local polling location that was at the fire station. At one point she took a break and went to the EMS lounge area to get some lunch.
A friend of ours was just coming off shift so they struck up a conversation, and through the course of that conversation Mommy mentioned that I was interested in EMS. The friend then suggested that I come drive for Mentone EMS…get my feet wet and see how I like it.
At the end of the day we all came home from the various polling locations we had been working at…there’s always stories to tell so as we sat around laughing and catching up, Mommy shared with me about the ambulance driving opportunity.
Whenever I would hear of “EMS opportunities”, I’d start to get scared, doubtful and want to run the other way…As Mommy shared I started to feel that familiar turning in my stomach…but then I had peace, His peace.
I prayed about it and told God to remember that I promised Him I would not go until He said go! He reminded me of a verse He gave to me back in 2012 for EMS. It says: “You shall go forth with joy and BE LED FORTH WITH PEACE!” Isaiah 55:12
Stopped in my tracks I was like: “Oh wow! This is you God!” The next Monday I went to the station to meet and talk things over with the training officer about what it all entails.
Needless to say I walked away with an application to be an ambulance driver. 🙂 And on October 21st I was voted in as a member of Mentone EMS.
From my journal:
November 29th, 2014
My very first day on call! Was on call from 9 a.m.-6 p.m. and nothing happend. I won’t lie, I was a little disappointed…but it’s okay. 🙂 This morning while trying (note trying), to eat breakfast I said “I’m just going to scream and get it all out, all the pent up emotion!” Leah, Bekah and Anna, the ones that were around, were like uh…and prepared for impact…I screamed then ended up laughing. 🙂 😛
Here’s what I wrote 9 days later on December 8th.
I GOT MY VERY 1ST CALL!!!!!!!!!!! So very, very, very exciting! I got to the station (note: it’s a volunteer service and since I live close enough to the station, I can be on call from home).
Bobby (one of my instructors), says: “I’m going to let you drive”
Me: Okay…and nervously gets in.
Him: Do you know where you’re going?
Me: Uh, no…I was so focused on just getting here.
He walked me through every step (thank goodness!), I tell dispatch that “Medic 98 is en route” pull half way out, turn on lights, make sure the road is clear and away we went. Traffic comes to a stand still for me…weird…cool! 🙂 A couple of turns later and we’re there.
“County dispatch, Medic 98″…”on scene.”
Walk in and an elderly gentleman had fallen and needed help getting back up. He checked out fine and didn’t want to go to the hospital.
We helped him over to his chair and as I worked on getting some information, Bobby finished getting the gentleman his lunch (he had fallen while trying to get it).
Made sure he was good to go and walked out.
Back in the ambulance “County dispatch, Medic 98…we are 10/8 (back in service) on a signed refusal.” Drove back to the station and backed in perfectly (the very first time I backed in during some training, I did a terrible job and held up traffic on main street while trying to get lined up with the door…it was embarrassing. :P) Finished up on some paperwork…high-fived on my first call and giddy me left the station.
Eight months later…I have so so so very much enjoyed being a driver, learned a ton and still have a ton more to learn! 🙂
There’s been good calls, funny calls, bad calls…something I’ve learned is that God’s grace is there when you need it, I’ve come to appreciate it in a whole new way, and the phrase “amazing grace,” means so much more to me then it did in the past!
This year I’ve turned down three opportunities for an EMT class…it might seem like a dumb thing to do when this is where I want to go in life… but they were either not a good fit with my work, or the timing was bad. Like the one that was from June-August and was 4 days a week. That’s right over the fair and as you know from our previous “Fair posts”…that is no time to do such things! 🙂
Via my EMS people 🙂 I was given information for a class that starts in August. I took everything into consideration, distance, cost, timing, choice of instructor…prayed about it and found the familiar peace that I had been given in previous EMS decisions. Let me tell you…that “joy and peace”…I definitely have it!!!
I’m so excited, beyond excited to tell you that in August, I will be starting EMT classes!!!! I dropped off my application yesterday, met my instructor, and became familiar with the location (didn’t want to do that on my first night of class!)
…One chapter of life has came to an end…another one is being written…
As I sit here sharing my story with you I want to laugh, cry and scream!
Laugh because as I reflect on how I use to be…it seems so ridiculous! Kill myself? Seriously? Yes, seriously…one time while cleaning up my room I found a paper with this number on it: 1-800-273-Talk. “What’s this?” I thought, then “Oh man, I know what this is.” At one point I had written down the number for the suicide prevention lifeline. So I laugh because it’s hard to believe I use to be that way…but it was all very real!
Cry because God is so so so SO good! His faithfulness and love to me over that time is amazing, and still is! 🙂 My parents, my family, my adopted 2nd mom and some mentors who helped me through that time, and still remain my friends after everything that I put them through! 🙂 (and it was a lot!) I am who I am today because of them! So many people, the friend who was coming off shift, a dear friend of mine, my EMS family, my two main current instructors and many more…they all have helped me to get to this point in EMS and I am forever grateful! God is good and He is faithful!
Scream because I can hardly contain my excitement for the joy that is set before me!
I sing because I’m happy!!!
~Cassia
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Bless you sister! I thought about and tried to kill myself as a teenager. I thought I could never live with the horrible memories of abuse and a brutal attack that nearly killed me. God has turned it into good for His purpose and I am so thankful for His mercy!
Yes! When we give our troubles to God, He always turns it around to good! He’s awesome like that! 😉
Thank you for sharing your story! ~Cassia
This is an amazing story!! Congratulations on your ambulance driving and best wishes for your EMT classes!
Thank you, Molly! I’m so excited and am looking forward to continuing the adventure with Him! 🙂 ~Cassia
I love hearing about God’s faithfulness. I love stories with happy endings:) I appreciate your openness. May the Lord continue to bless you in the EMT field as you continue to follow His will.
Thank you, Cathy! Lol, I love happy endings as well! 🙂 ~Cassia
What an encouraging testimony! Keep seeking after God, Cassia. He is faithful!
Thank you, Danielle! 🙂 And you are so right! ~Cassia
Thank you Cassia, for the update on your life. I don’t know if you remember the Rues, but your mother used to pick me up on the way to ladies prayer meeting. I prayed for you specifically many times. It’s a privilege to hear about answered prayers, that’s not always a given.
Godspeed!
Oh yes I remember you guys! I have very fond memories of Mr. Rue playing the piano at church…he was my favorite! 🙂
Thank you so much for your prayers…they DID make a difference! 🙂 God is good! ~ Cassia
The more I read your blog the more I see we have SO much in common! I also have been “in love” with EMS. When I was 18 (many moons ago) years old I was a volunteer fire fighter. I had also taken my CFR (Certified First Responder) course and loved it. I attempted to get my EMT certification 2 times in my life. The first time I failed it. I decided to try again in 2001 and was in a car accident. I had decided (note where I said “I”) being an EMT was not my calling in life. Although, I read everything I could get my hands on. In 2001, my kids were still very young. They needed me full-time. It seemed that God had shut the door on me wanting to go into EMS. Well fast forward, 14 years. I am now a member of my local ambulance agency AND Lord willing by the end of August I will be a NYS certified EMT. The class is the most difficult thing I have done in my life. It has stretched me beyond what I thought my limits were. Once my course is over I will be doing a blog post about it. I will be praying for you.
Thank you for your wonderful long comment! 🙂 A blog post is just not near as fun when no one comments. 🙂
That’s so exciting that you’ll be certifying soon and cool that we share the same passion! 🙂 Thank you also for your prayers, very much appreciated! Let me know when you pass and write your blog post…would love to read it! 🙂 And I’ll be praying for you that the test goes well. 🙂
~Cassia 🙂
Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony, Cassia. God is using you for His glory! Keep us posted!
Thank you for commenting, Dana! And will do! 🙂 ~Cassia
Dear Cassia, thank you so much for sharing that. It made me very sad to read about how you where feeling when you where younger as I’ve been there myself but I’m very happy for you that you’ve found a way out of the darkness – with HIS guidance. Many people don’t. All the best to you and your family. Lots of love from Germany, Isabel
Hi Isabel,
It is a very hard place to be…looking back it was not easy…but I would not trade it for anything different because it has taught me so much, and I am stronger because of it. I hope that you as well have found rest in Him. 🙂
Thank you for your comment. 🙂
~Cassia
I love that you are doing this – I know that you will continue being a blessing to people!
Thank you! 🙂 ~Cassia
I read your blog quite a bit, but I have never commented. I just wanted to let you know how brave it is to share your story and own your truth. I also had thoughts of suicide over the years, some more potent than others. They come and go, just like life’s ups and downs. But like they say, it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Try the beach first! If a week at the beach doesn’t lift anyone’s spirits, I don’t know what does! Of course, talking to counselors or medications are also important to look into, and yes, prayer does work. My spirituality is probably a little different than yours, but I do go to church and pray, and it does work. Anyways, all that to say you are not alone, and hopefully your message of hope reaches someone who is struggling. Thanks, and keep writing!
Thank you for your first comment!! We love hearing from our readers! 🙂
Yes, a very permanent solution to a temporary problem…I think when we are in that state of mind though, we know it’s death but we just hurt so much in the moment that we *think* we don’t care. We’re not fully seeing the whole picture because we’re blinded.
Oh yes the beach…always has been a favorite of mine, so calming! 🙂 And amen, prayer does work!
Thanks for sharing! ~Cassia
I am so happy for you Cassia! I’ve been reading you girls’ blog for several years now and I always leave it feeling happy. You all seem like you’d be fun to be friends with in real life. God bless you.
Thank you! 🙂 ~Cassia
What an amazing story. Thank you for sharing, and thank God for a happy ending. My husband is a fireman/paramedic and loves it. It isn’t a job when you love going to work 🙂 Best of luck to you! Remember you’ve got a lot of readers praying for you and supporting you. I look forward to reading more about EMS.
Oh cool! 🙂 And yes, it makes a big difference when you love your job!
Thank you so much for your encouragement, it means a lot! 🙂 ~Cassia
Oh my goodness Cassia, what a wonderful story! Thank you for being brave enough to share it. That is really AWESOME that Papa has given you peace about your dream. I am so glad you helping people this way.
I too have struggled a great deal with depression and suicidal thoughts in the past — I even left the faith entirely for nearly 10 years and followed some damaging paths. Like you though, I still kept talking to God even though I didn’t know what to make of Him. He chased me down in the end and drew me in through the Chronicles of Narnia when I was 28, heheh. I’m SOOOO glad and thankful that He did.
Isn’t He wonderful? Rescuing us in ways He knows we’ll listen.
God bless you!
Carmen, thank you for sharing *your* story! Yes He is wonderful, so loving and knows just how to turn our hearts back to Him! 🙂 ~Cassia
I’m so happy for you!
I think it took a lot of courage to share your personal story with us, and it is going to help and uplift others who face similar challenges.
I hope that you will continue to blog about your EMS training. Since I’m not on Facebook, I check back here to get updates on what you and your family are doing. It makes my day when there is a new post.
Best Wishes for Your Continued Success,
Lynnette
Thank you, Lynnette! I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated! 🙂 ~Cassia
I’ve been there, and done that. If you can find it there’s a book out there called something like “The joy of 3 am” by another who has been there. Like you I was always involved in small towns/rural areas, where one of the other things that happens is that you often know the folks you go to help. I did 25 years or so…more years of stand-by for regional call-outs, and finally gave it up when the “Paid Pros” as they called themselves started denying the ‘part-timers’ access to inservice we needed to keep the certification. Age was starting to be a factor anyway…so let the younger folks have it. Its funny, after all these years, I still unconsciously react if I hear the tone that was the one that set off our pagers. But that’s another story for another time. Do take time to listen to your body, as it will tell you when you start ‘pushing’ too hard. There are real consequences if you do not listen to your body at that point!
Really? That’s cool! It’s fun to “meet” fellow EMS people. 🙂
Yep, I’ve ran on people I know, thankfully nothing serious but it still does affect you in a way.
Oh that’s sad that they denied you guys the inservice time that you needed…it’s sad in general to see the BLS volunteer services looked down upon. 😛 Right now we are the last volunteer service in the county.
Thank you for the advice, I’ll take all I can get! And I’m going to check out that book. 🙂
Thanks for commenting!
~Cassia
What a powerful testimony! I’m so glad you found something to live for! Most importantly, for Jesus, but also for the purpose of saving lives! EMS is such a wonderful ministry and opportunity! Unfortunately, I don’t have the presence of mind to think clearly in stressful situations–I’m the one who freaks out! 🙂 Blessings on your future, Cassia!
Thank you, Sarah! 🙂 ~Cassia
Hi Cassia,
I am a teenager right now, and I’m a Christian. I can totally relate to your story. The first part that is. I love my family, Jesus, and everything else in life that is valued and meant to be loved, but I have cried out to Jesus so many times to make me die in my sleep or something else, because I just wanted to go Home. To heaven. And not have to worry about any more problems in my life. (My family wasn’t bad or anything.) I thought that not being here would help my family out, and I wouldn’t be a problem. I felt like I was just in the way sometimes, a child that costs money and I couldn’t pay my parents back for all they did, and that my family’s life would be better without me. I know they loved me, and I loved them, but I still wanted to be home with Jesus. Where no crying or sadness abounds. Sometimes I struggle with wanting to go to heaven right now. I haven’t told anyone ever, but your post and your story reached out to my heart, and encouraged me. I never told my parents because I thought they would think I’m a horrible awful child, and it would probably hurt their feelings. So I just kept everything between me and God. But I wish so bad I had had someone I could talk to that wouldn’t be shocked at what I said, or offended, tell my parents, and that would give me advice, counsel and encouragement. And someone that wouldn’t think I’m a horrible person for thinking wrong thoughts. I still long for someone like that. I realize that Jesus put me here on this earth for a reason, and that’s to glorify him with my life. I still struggle with these thoughts sometimes when I’m troubled, greatly distressed, and broken-hearted. I think the “dying and killing yourself” thoughts come from Satan. I think he wants to make me think I’m not needed, I’m worthless, and I just cost my family time, money, and energy. What do you think about that? God is love and the fruits of the spirit are not things that I’ve been thinking. If you would, could you please pray for me? It would mean so much to me.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one that felt like this. May God bless you richly.
Much love to you from a sister in the Lord Jesus. 🙂
Dear Sister in the Lord! 🙂
Yes! Absolutely yes!!! That is not you, but satan telling you lies, he wants you to think that your’re a “horrible person” for evening thinking it, after all, you’re a Christian you know and it should have never even crossed your mind…at least that’s what he is telling you…but it’s not true! He wants you to think that you are a bother, that your’re parents would be horrified and shocked. BUT! THAT IS ALL LIES!
Truth is: Your parents LOVE you, your family LOVES you, God LLOOOVVEEESSS you so so so so much, they all *want* you! 😉 Sister in the Lord…you are *very much loved and wanted* and THAT…is TRUTH! Satan is telling you lies…I’ve found it very important to keep truth before me. Always!
I too at times long for Heaven, but like you said, we are here for a purpose! Life can and does get hard, but when we turn to Him for strength, hope, help…anything we need, He’s always there!
I would encourage you to speak/think truth to yourself when satan comes to you with lies…
“I do not receive that”
“that is not who I am in Christ”
“truth is: I am very much loved and wanted”
May God richly bless you, press in to Him and remember you are wanted and loved!
Most certainly I can pray for you! If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here for you! Shoot us an e-mail and I can send you my personal e-mail address.
Thank you for your comment and sharing from your heart!
~Cassia
Thank you so much for your encouragement Cassia. I will try to keep truth, God’s truth, before me. You’re so sweet! Thanks for being godly and sweet. 🙂
Hello Cassia! I read about you and your sisters on an online forum, and we just love seeing your posts (that’s why this comment is so late, I’ve just read about you today.) I am really glad that you made the right decision, and that you enjoy your EMT work.
That said, I don’t want to be political, but I’m sure you heard about Indiana’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act that recently passed? It was mainly done so that wedding services did not have to do cake, etc. for same-sex weddings. However, the law’s broadly written to allow anyone to refuse any sort of service gay people if their religion says not to- so there’s some worry that EMTs could refuse their services and thus really hurt someone! So I’m just curious what you think of that, and how you serve and interact with the many people you are bound to see. You don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable. 🙂
Glad you enjoy the blog! 🙂
No problem, I’m perfectly comfortable answering your question…(I have several gay friends who have helped me tremendously in the EMS field! 🙂 )
By all means I would care for anyone needing medical care/help, regardless of any differences. 🙂 And actually an EMT would get in big trouble legally for refusing care to anyone.
Thanks for commenting, we love to hear from our readers! 🙂
~Cassia
Hello, I noticed you do look very happy in the latest group pics. This story, along with that, gives encouragement towards surrender to Christ. Thank you
Wow! your testimony is truly amazing! God is good!
I have wanted to be a CPM ALL. OF. MY. LIFE! Babies are little miracles and it is amazing how they are brought into the world!
~Paige~
Amen He is!!! 🙂 That’s cool, and yes little miracles is right! I hope to help deliver some in EMS! 🙂 ~Cassia
I think this is very cool- we share a common interest!! I am in school right now working to get my certificate as a medical assistant. I only have a few months left of schooling- I’m ready for the dues dates and grades to be over, and I’m super nervous about my externship in May. But I’m trusting God and I am confident it will all work out well.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Hi Morgan! Thanks for commenting. This is awesome…I can so relate with everything you said about school. I haven’t updated our blog for quite sometime on where I am at in EMS, but I went on to further my education. I’m currently in Advanced EMT class (it’s between a Basic EMT and Paramedic, I get to do some fun stuff but not near all the cool things Medics do :D) and have one month left. I’m getting burned out and have been so stressed lately with studying, clinicals and then just life on top of that! 😛 I have testing coming up as well and am nervous, but like you said God’s got this! I need to quit worrying and keep putting it in His hands…easier said than done. 😀
Great to hear from you, I checked out your blog and subscribed. 😀 Writing helps me process so I really like the medical blog idea. I will keep that in mind for when I go on to Paramedic. 😀
Great to hear from you!
~Cassia